I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
