we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Enjoy the penises
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
