I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize