I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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