Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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