Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
