I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
