Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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