I will die if light touches me.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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