the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
