She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize