My friends, they love my intelligence
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
