SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize