If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
