What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
