I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
