the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
