I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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