Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
