I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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