he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
