my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
