theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
