that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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