I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
