I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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