The maid of honor just puked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Drake has all the answers
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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