I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
