So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize