Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
