He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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