I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
