i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
