the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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