Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
