So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
