A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
