I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
