I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize