Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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