I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
