My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
