U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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