I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
