it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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