i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
