I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
