I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
