i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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