Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
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