things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
