the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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