On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
sarcasm needs its own font
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
