i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
