Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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