Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
