I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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