This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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