The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
