I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
