So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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