Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
